*The following article is completely satirical and does not contain real campaign messaging from the Trump 2024 presidential campaign.*

Last week, Donald Trump announced the newest product that he’d be selling in order to raise funding for his 2024 presidential campaign (and his appeals bond). Read the email announcement that his campaign sent out to supporters here:

“MAGA Patriots! Your president needs YOU!

Religion and Christianity are the biggest things missing from our country right now. That’s why our country is going haywire. The loony left wants you to believe that it is the fact that I don’t believe in democracy, I incited an insurrection against the government of the United States, and I plan on increasing the power of the presidency in 2025 to serve my own agenda and make sure that I have complete presidential immunity, but no… it’s actually the fact that Americans don’t have Bibles. 

That’s right. The Bible is the best selling book in the world and you can find one in almost any bookstore in the nation, but I’m telling you that Americans aren’t reading the Bible like they used to. Not like back in the good old days when we used Christianity to justify things like slavery, patriarchy, and genocide against Native Americans. Now, they tell you your religion is your own personal business and cannot be used to control how other people live. It’s terrible. It’s awful. It’s a violation of our right to violate other people’s rights.

People have just stopped seeking the word of God. So now, I give you the word of God from Donald Trump. That’s right. I’m going to Make America Pray Again. And what better way to promote religion than by promoting a product that will support my campaign and legal fees? Now, instead of going to Barnes and Noble or Walmart or your local bookstore, you can go to Donald Trump and buy a God Bless The USA Bible. 

In it, you will find all the stories that Americans need to read about. I’d know because I’ve read them all in the many Bibles that I own and have totally read. You’ll read all about the story of Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Because God wanted Adam and Eve to represent good quality relationships between two people who never did anything wrong. You’ll also read about how Jesus said to call the poor lazy people who deserve their fate for not properly engaging in capitalist systems. You’ll read how God said it was totally fine to marry three times, sexually assault women, and cheat your way to the top. You’ll learn all about loving your neighbor, unless your neighbor was born in a different country than you. Because God believed in dividing people up into nations, states, countries, cities and towns so that you can only care about the people closest to you and say forget the rest. 

That’s not all, though. The God Bless The USA Bible will also contain the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance. I want the American people to have these documents that list all of the rights and freedoms that they have. You know, stuff like “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion” and “No person shall… hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath…as an officer of the United States… to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof.”

So Americans, do what Jesus would have wanted and use your hard earned money to give me $59.99 for a Bible when you can get one for far less from nearly any other store. Hell, you can probably read all of these copyright free texts online free of charge, but why not give your money to me? It’s what God would want.

Your President,

Donald J. Trump”