Restrooms in SBRHS to be Renamed

Ryan Silverman, Editor

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Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.  The restrooms are not changing names and the interview with an anonymous staff member is fabricated

After much talk, Somerset Berkley has decided to change the name of the restrooms to “waste disposal centers” at the start of next year.  A staff member, who wished to remain anonymous, commented on the change, “We decided that with the environment of the school, this change was necessary.”

“SBRHS has always prided itself in standing out from the pack, creating unique names for rooms in our building,” expressed the staff member.  The school does not have a cafeteria, rather it has a “student dining center.”  “We feel that the word ‘cafeteria’ degrades the students,” explained the staff member,  “Instead, ‘student dining center’ gives the students a feeling of professionalism that we hope they will carry with them into the workplace.”

The school does not have a library, rather it has a “library media center.”  “With the paperless initiative, we predict that in the next five to seven years, the library will cease to have books,” said the staff member, “When it doesn’t have any books, can we really call it a library?”

Rather than an auditorium, the school features a “performing arts center.”  The anonymous staff member commented, “The word ‘auditorium’ suggests that the room is only for audio, for sound.  We here at SBRHS perform a variety of spectacles on the stage and not all of them are all about sound.  We feel its only fair to call it a ‘performing arts center’ as to be inclusive.”

With so much renaming going on in the school, it was only a matter of time before the restrooms were named.  “The reason we are renaming the restrooms is that the term is too ambiguous,” the staff member said, “It makes students think it is okay to do other resting activities such as using their phone and even worse, vaping, when in reality the bathrooms should only be used for their intended purpose.”

By renaming the restrooms to “waste disposal centers”, the staff member believes that students who vape in the restrooms will realize its true purpose and will stop vaping in the “waste disposal centers”, ending the vaping epidemic in the school.

There was much debate over what to rename the restrooms.  Some staff members felt that the new name was still too vague, how would students know what waste they should be disposing of?  What if they went to the “waste disposal centers” every time they needed to throw something away?  These staff members felt that it would have been much better to call the restrooms, “human waste disposal centers.”  The critics of this name ultimately won over, arguing that “human waste disposal centers” might attract some “unwanted criminals” to the school.

It is great to see SBRHS once again bringing creativity to the school as well as tackling the problem of vaping.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.  The restrooms are not changing names and the interview with an anonymous staff member is fabricated

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